


Hen Night

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Episode: Night and the Doctor e03 First Night, Episode: Night and the Doctor e04 Last Night, F/M, Gen, Missing Scene, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How River ended up being chased halfway around the universe by Sontarans, and how Strax ended up in the Doctor's debt.  Set after the events of "First Night" and "Last Night."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hen Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arien/gifts).



It started with a joke.  Or at least River thought it was a joke.

River was in the Sontaran Empire in the 51st Century, well after the planet Sontar was demolished.  The Sontaran Empire was a planet under where Sontar once was.  The new planet didn't have a name.  The Sontarans that live there called their Sontaran group "The Sontaran Empire" and didn't bother on naming the planet at all.  It wasn't important.  Sontarans had other named planets to conquer first.

When the Sontarans weren't at war, they forced themselves to do leisurely things, such as going out to bars.  It was in a Sontaran bar when River met three Sontarans that would chase her around the galaxy.

The music at the bar had a suggestion of salaciousness.  The drinks being served to the bar didn't seem too far off from mixed drinks served on Earth, or at least to humans: daiquiris, margaritas, highballs.  The Sontarans at the bar were drinking what appeared to be highballs.

"What do you want, human?" The Sontaran bartender didn't approve of River being at the bar, but he knew he couldn't do anything about her being there, unless she did something to provoke him.

"Whatever they're drinking."  River pointed to the Sontarans.

"A Dread Gladness for the human."

The Sontaran bartender made River a Dread Gladness.  River looked at the Sontaran group drinking at the bar.

"Nice night to have a hen's night."

The Sontarans looked at River.  River was perplexed.

"I said it's a nice night to have a hen's night."

One of the Sontarans pulled out a rheon carbine on River.  From her studies at the University, she knew rheon carbines, in the hands of Sontarans, could kill her.

"Do we look like women to you, _boy?_ " 

"I wanted to say something that was in the spirit of this place."

"I suggest you run."

The Sontaran started shooting at River.

River used her vortex manipulator and escaped the bar. 

"Finally, the human has gone," the bartender said.  "Now I need to sterilize this place."

 

The Doctor thought she he was rid of River after he set her vortex manipulator back to Stormcage.  He should've known better. 

After the younger River, the one that had recently learned about "spoilers," and the older River and Doctor, the ones headed to the Singing Towers, left the TARDIS, the River being chased by Sontarans reappeared in the TARDIS.

"River, you weren't supposed to return.  Go back to Stormcage this very instant."

"If you're fine with the whole population of Stormcage being killed off by angry Sontarans, sweetie, be my guest.  It'll be  on your hands.  Not my fault you were occupied with two other mes to think clearly."

As River and the Doctor were speaking, the three Sontarans following River appeared in the TARDIS. 

"And did you forget they've created osmic projectors?"

"Osmic…projectors.  Right."

The Sontarans aimed their rheon carbines at the Doctor and River.

"Do you know who we are?" the Doctor said to the Sontarans.

"I do not care, girl.  Your boy friend insulted our honor.  He said we were females.  He must die."

The Doctor blinked.  "You do know that River's _female,_ right?"

"Shut up, girl."

"I am the Doctor, and there will not be any deaths in the TARDIS tonight."

"I am Commander Strax.  My brethren, Battle Major Vrad and Battle Major Varg, will kill you for standing up to your boy friend."

The Doctor shrugged.  "If you insist."

"We're not going to _kill_ the Sontarans, are we, Doctor?" River whispered.

"Of course not.  On my count, I'm going to pull out a sonic blaster you can use.  I think Jack left it when he left the TARDIS for the last time.  But you have to give it back."

"How can you trust me to give it back?"

"You're right.  I _can't_ trust you to give it back.  I'll have to get it back whenever I can.  But right now, we need to take care of our guests."

The Doctor dug in his jacket pocket and pulled out a sonic blaster.  He passed the blaster behind River's back.  She grabbed it with her right hand.

"Aim for the vents."

"Got it, sweetie."

River programmed her vortex manipulator and disappeared.

"Where did that boy go?" Strax said.

River reappeared behind Vrad.  She aimed the sonic blaster at Vrad's probic vent.  Vrad collapsed.  River disappeared.

Varg turned around.  "I know it's you, boy.  Fight me face to face instead of like the coward—"

River shot Varg's probic vent.  He also went down. 

Strax turned to River.  He aimed his rheon carbine at her.

"Enough nonsense, boy!  You have insulted me and countless other members of the Sontaran race by calling us females.  The punishment is death."

River shook her head.  "You Sontarans don't know how to handle a joke, don't you?"

"Any last words?"

"I still think screwdrivers are meant for fixing things, but if you insist."

"Screwdrivers?"

The Doctor aimed his sonic screwdriver at Strax's probic vent.  His knees buckled.  He went down like Vrad and Varg. 

"My screwdriver can do anything that sonic blaster can do."

"Except fix anything wood.  And a screwdriver should be able to screw things in wood."

"Actually, I know something my screwdriver can do that that sonic blaster _can't_ do."

"What's that?"

"Spoilers."

"Hmmm."

 

The Doctor went to the planet under Sontar to return Vrad, Varg and Strax.   Still a bit stunned from the sonic blaster and the sonic screwdriver, The Doctor pulled Strax out of the TARDIS.  River pulled Vrad and Varg out.  A Sontaran wearing a helmet met them at the TARDIS, to their surprise.

"Doctor!  Human!  Why are you bringing me these three Sontarans?  They should have died in battle."

"Who are you?" the Doctor asked.

"I am Colonel Kond.  For several days, Commander Strax, Battle Major Vrad and Battle Major Varg were missing.  I was proud of them for defending the Sontaran Empire against this…I suppose she was the human that offended our people."

"The name's River Song."  She raised her sonic blaster.  "And I'm a _lot_ tougher than you think I am."

The Doctor put her sonic blaster to her side.  "Not in front of the colonel, River.  It's not polite."

"I tried being polite, but these people have no concept of the word."

"You said they were still breathing, Doctor?"

"Yes, they're still alive."

"I have no choice."

Strax, Vrad and Varg were coming to.

"Commander Strax?  Batlte Major Vrad?  Battle Major Varg?  You did not die in battle honorably."  Kond pulled out a rheon carbine.  "I have no choice but to eliminate the three of you."

"No, no, no, can we _please_ not have anybody dying today?  Your people have already threatened to kill my…girlfriend."

"Oh, Doctor, stop being so bashful."

"Okay, Doctor, what do you propose?"

"Put them in jail, make them do other tasks, demote them.  Anything but killing them today."

"As you wish, Doctor.  The battle with Zaruthstra is coming, and I need men to assist me.  These three soldiers will be demoted as soon as possible."

"Demoted?  All because of the Doctor's boy?"

"No excuses, Strax.  You, Vrad and Varg are now nurses.  Follow me.  We must rejoin the fleet."

Kond walked away.  Vrad and Varg were not far behind.

"Doctor, I refuse to be a nurse.  I would rather commit suicide, and that is more honorable than being a nurse."

"Oh, nonsense!  Some of the bravest people I've known have been nurses.  And doctors."

"Including yourself?"

"And River.  We may not all be _medical_ doctors, but the things we've seen—the things _I've_ seen—they're enough to drive a weaker man mad.  There's no shame in being a doctor.  Take your demotion in pride, Strax.  At least you're still alive.  At least you're still fighting for a cause."

"You're right, Doctor.  I shall take this demotion in stride.  I will heal as many people as I can.  I owe you, Doctor."

"What about me?"

"I don't owe you anything, boy."

"It's been noted.  I'll come back for you when I need you, Strax.  Farewell."

The Doctor and River went back in the TARDIS.

"Okay, River, since you're not terrorizing the Sontaran Empire anymore, it's time for you to go back to Stormcage."  The Doctor set the TARDIS to go to Stormcage. 

"I don't have to go back right now, do I?"

"Yes, you do, River.  You're supposed to be in jail."

"But you keep reminding me I can get out at any time."

"Yes, because you're River Song."

"Did you really think I'd get out of prison to go to the Sontaran Empire for a drink?"

"You were coming to see me?"

River grabbed the Doctor's jacket.  "Who else would I visit, sweetie?  Other than my parents?"

River kissed the Doctor.  The Doctor canceled the TARDIS' plans to go to Stormcage.

"Hey, Sexy, find us a vacation planet to land!  Oh, I don't know, pick a place.  Midnight, Fiesta 95, the Planet of the Coffee Shops, _somewhere._   I've got business to attend to.  Stormcage can wait!"


End file.
